Well yesterday was tough for me. I had a stressful day and then had to go grocery shopping. For most people this wouldn’t be an issue… for me it was pure hell. The urge to buy all sorts of crap flooded my brain while I walked up and down isles. Everything that is tempting to me was on sale. I swear I was drooling lol. Nacho chips, salsa AND cheese… all on sale. It was like my disorder was working against me.. It would be so easy just to cave in.. just to buy a little. I sound like a drug addict.
Once again I fought the urge. I have no idea how, but I did it. I must have picked up the nacho chips at least 5 times.. walking up and down the aisle, first saying No.. then pleading Yes.. A war raging inside my brain. Stressful days lead to my wanting to binge. I have no coping mechanisms.. I don’t smoke, or drink, or do drugs.. what harm is it if I just have a little bit of food? Everyone needs to eat. Are you starting to see how dangerous it is? The logic of “Well I can keep telling myself to quit smoking because of how bad it is for me, and how I don’t actually need it to survive” doesn’t exist when I talk about food. Sure I can say, let’s not eat Crap today Shannon.. but the fact is I have to eat. And every time I do the urge is there to just keep going. It helps make the stress of the day melt away, it helps fill the empty voids I feel from depression and anger and hurt and whatever else is going on. It helps… But at the same time, it’s a very slow, prolonged suicide. The more I give in to the urge to gorge on horrible food, the closer I come to inevitable death. It’s terrifying.
So somehow I found the strength to say no. I managed to shop while everything I craved was on sale.. and I said NO. I stuck to my list, and got it down, and the bonus I guess is all my walking around added probably an extra half hour to my grocery trip, so it was like an added 30 min walk. Since it was Walk Waddle or Dodge a wrench Wednesday I’m going to say that’s a good thing.
I feel so weak, and yet I know I’ve been strong. I just wish it was easier to fight the urges, I wish it was getting easier. Any amount of stress seems to set me off on a spiral of binge thoughts, and the war continues. My mind is a battle field, I’m at war with myself. This blog gives me the strength I need, and the support I’ve had through comments and emails has helped. I hope it’ll be enough. I hope there is a happy ending when all is said and done. I wish I could eat without thinking about it. That the right portion size, or the right amount or what not was just automatic. I wish I didn’t have to think about food constantly to try to ensure I monitor my urges and stop myself before I binge.. I wish I wasn’t so broken.
One more foot forward, and I’m now on a mission to find ways to help me deal with stress. I’m going to start Vapeing Zero’s (it’s an electronic cigarette with none of the harmful things in cigarettes, and also since I’ll be doing zero nicotine there won’t be that.. it’d just be natural and artificial flavours and the liquid that holds it and allows it to turn to vapour. It’s not harmful but I’ll taste yummy! )and see if the feeling of ingesting something that tastes delish, but has no negative effect on my body, and is a lot less calories than actually EATING will help when I need a release. We’ll see if it helps 🙂