Over the past week, I have been repeating a mantra to myself as often as I’ve needed it (…. Sooooooooo it pretty much runs on loop in the background of my mind 24/7 lol).. I tweaked it from the last blog post.. it is now :
I deserve to be happy, I deserve to be free from the thoughts that plague me.
Because… hells yes I do!
Since starting this ritual of reminding myself that I deserve these things… I’ll admit that I have been feeling less depressed… I haven’t had a single night since my therapy session last Tuesday where I’ve wanted to self harm… I haven’t sat around alone at night and hated myself for being fat or ugly or any of the other laundry list of things I normally berate myself about…
Hell, I even had a long talk with Mike, that ended in a rant (on his insistence that I let things out) and I felt a huge weight lift off of me afterwards… Rants are hella therapeutic lol. I cried a bunch, and I mean full on ugly cried lol… But he held me, and laughed when I said something silly, and comforted me when I said something sad, and he made me feel like I wasn’t a monster for needing to rant and vent and just basically spew verbal diarrhea… It was at some point during this talk that I realized, part of why I am so burnt out right now… is that I never feel able to let all my guards down as long as there is another human being around me. Even at my happiest, without realizing it, I keep some walls up… and not the good kind. I do think it’s important to keep a part of yourself secret, a place in yourself that is just for you. But the walls I’m talking about, are ones that were built out of necessity while I grew up in hell with a monster douche-ass from hell. If he wanted to be mad, he’d find a reason.. as an adult I see that, as a kid, I truly believed his garbage.. and it’s something I’m still having a hard time letting go of all these years later. Every day of my life, I was always either too loud, or too quiet, I laughed too much, or not enough, I had to go out to play, I wasn’t allowed outside to play, Yadda yadda the list went on… something that was OK today, would be wrong tomorrow.. it was like growing up on an active fault line, and the safe side always seemed to be on the OTHER side of the line. No matter what I did, it was usually wrong. My need to protect my Mom and brother meant that I was on his shit list more than anyone. I learned that the only time you are ever truly safe, is when you are by yourself.. that is the only time that you are allowed to just do whatever the hell it is you want.
Yes as a logical person I realize this is crazy talk… but it was at some point during my rant/talk with Mike that I realized… Sometimes I’m even afraid to smile, because what if this is the wrong moment to smile… Sometimes I’m afraid to laugh, because it might be too loud or the sound might annoy someone… sometimes I’m afraid to be be seen because what if my very presence makes you angry.
No wonder I’m burnt out all the time! That is exhausting.. to monitor every movement, ever word, every sound… to go back over it after the fact to see if I’ve done anything wrong… see if there is something I could do differently next time.
Anyway… yes.. had my break through, and have been trying my best to find those walls and start chipping away at them so that at least when I’m at home with Mike I can relax completely… Maybe if I have at least that one place where I can always be at ease… I can handle the rest of the world easier, ya know what I mean?
Am I making sense? It is after midnight and I am pretty sleepy LOL… The point I think I am trying to make is that the meditation is helping… I have managed to calm down two anxiety attacks with this… albeit they were small ones, but still, progress! Right now, home alone, walls down, and fully relaxed… my brain hasn’t gone to any negative places as it usually does… I’m just, content…and that feels wonderful.
Anyhoodles.. time for this little lady to go to sleep.
Sweet dreams <3