I always used to wonder, what it would be like to be thin. I still do… except now I remember how I used to look and I wonder why I was so unhappy. My stomach was flat, I could shop in the normal sized section.. I used to look at 3X clothes and wonder how anyone could let themselves get that big.. And now here I am, wondering why I wasn’t more careful. Why couldn’t I stop myself before things got so far out of control.
If I think of the total number of lbs I need to loose it’s a daunting task. I need to loose an entire person before I’m considered healthy again. Seriously. At this point the total amount of weight I must lose is about 180 lbs. How did I come so far off track?
I don’t even feel like myself anymore. Things I used to love, and find easy.. I now avoid simply because I can’t physically do it anymore. Things other people take for granted like being able to shovel, or walk downstairs to do laundry, or carry in groceries.. I can’t do without hurting myself. My ankles give out, my back spasms, my asthma kicks in.. and then I cry. I used to love taking long walks, simply to be in nature. I loved hiking, and photography, and swimming! Now the thought of going on a nature walk, or hiking the gatinueau hills to get some great pictures feels like an imposibility.
Confession time? I mean not that this blog hasn’t already been one giant confession.. but I feel the need to get it all out there. I think by ending all the lies, and by coming out with my daily battle, that hopefully I’ll feel more free to be myself. Hopefully I’ll be able to take strength in the comments and by reading my words and keep going forward. I hope to be able to look back to these beginning posts and smile at how far I’ve come… I have a lot of hope.
But yes back to the confession. So far this year I have avoided coffee nights with friends, and while I do love having the house to myself and I love when Mike has “guy time”.. I have missed going. But I panic every single time I go. I don’t feel it’s fair to My love to have to hold my hand and try to calm my panic attack in order to have coffee with friends and so I tell him to go solo.
Also, I had a major anxiety attack on New years eve. I regret it terribly to this day, especially because Mike felt so bad at how horribly I was coping and he stayed home with me as well. The sheer terror I felt was frighting. And now hearing recounts on how fun the night was for everyone who attended, I feel even worse for have taken that special night away from Mike. That night, I had tried all day to stay calm and psyche myself up and get excited.. but all I could think about was the crowd of people and how close people would be to me, and how everyone would be dressed wonderfully and I’d look like a giant blimp in comparison. I can’t physically stand for long periods of time without back spasms and my ankles dying on me.. but I had no idea if we’d have a table.. and being as short as I am I have a hell of a time trying to sit on bar stools.. so this added to the panic I felt. How horrible would it have been to show up, only to ruin everyone’s night with my obvious pain and anxiety.. so I stayed home. Mike said he had a stomach ache.. but in reality it was him trying to be supportive of me while I cried and cried, my face swollen, my heart broken. That is how I brought in the new year. That is my reality.
I’ve lost some friends this year, and in the years previous. I have a hard time relating to people, and have an even harder time maintaining contact when at my lowest. I push people away. Not intentionally, but I do it anyway. And for that I am truly sorry to anyone I may have hurt over the course of the last few years. I have not been myself, and am I working very hard right now to find the strength to be myself again. To be the friend that you deserve, and the girlfriend Mike deserves.. and most of all, to be the person I deserve to be. My weight is not who I am, and it will be something I overcome.
So far this week I’ve been proud of myself, though I am still craving everything bad for me.. I have stood my ground. While getting groceries last night I walked into the ilse where Nacho chips are held.. I got about half way in before my brain kicked in and said NO. I know one day I’ll be able to try those delish sounding healthy nachos drew gave me a link to.. but right now, I need to stay away. It’s hard and it sucks.. but I DID IT!!! Last night I had bruchetta which was beyond delish! At work, one of my co-workers brought in home made brownies.. they looked delish! but I did not have one. I’m not ready yet to be able to have “just one”.. that is not who I am. But knowing that, and being able to say no, is a good step I think.
All in all, progress is being made. Now I just need to start finding ways to encorporate light work out to build up my stamina and we’re good to go. The exercise bike is downstairs.. I will use it tonight before bed!
To those who have read this far *Thank you*.