So by now, we all know I have anxiety issues… What you may not know, is one of my BIGGEST issues, triggers, whatever you call it.. Is being even remotely active in front of or around people.. The thought of this terrifies me for many reasons, but probably the primary reason is that I sweat… A LOT.
I have never been able to demurely giggle and say things like “I don’t sweat, I sparkle”… First because *gag me* but second, because no amount of “sparkle” would look like a torrential downpour of salty rain.. *sigh* take a gander… This is me after moving some light ass furniture and vacuuming, cleaning etc.. I went at it for an hour, the whole time my face was quickly trying deplete me of any and all water I may have once contained.
So why, knowing that this thing, which to some may be a minor thing, causes anxiety in me, would I willingly post it on the internet?? Well… I’m doing it BECAUSE it makes me scared, keep reading I swear it makes sense.. At least as I’m writing this it does.
Part of why and how I got so big, is my chronic paralyzing fear of being seen while active. I don’t go for walks, or go to the gym, or even do housework, dance, or work out at home, because “what if someone sees me”. Even after being with M for nearly 8 years, I am scared to work out or do housework when he is around… It makes no sense, you’d think in 8 years with him not being a dick I would have gotten over it at least in my own home… But no, I don’t even feel comfortable at home.
So here I am hoping my brain will finally get the message…. I sweat, and now with this pic on the interwebz, the whole world will know I sweat… Maybe I can get over at least part of my fear and take steps towards feeling more comfortable being seen… Maybe…
To all those peeps on bike paths or in gyms being all active and shizz.. I tip my imaginary hat to you. I wish I wasn’t so afraid, I wish I knew what triggered this fear originally so I could get over whatever it is that causes this… But mostly I wish I could move around without pissing from every pore lol.
On the plus side, sweat is supposed to clear out toxins right? I am so pure right now lol. Pure AWESOME!!!!
’till next time