Where should I start? Struggles, or adventures? I feel like I should start with the current struggle so that I can end on a high note….. Work for you?
As always, I am having a hard time striking balance in my life… if I have plans, the first thing to go is the gym, simply because I am having a hard time finding the time to go, then come home, take a shower, and get ready to do whatever it is that I have plans to do. That sounds horrible… but it’s how I am. I’ve been feeling progressively more burnt out lately, which has lead to physical injuries and the inability to stay focused on any one thing for any length of time. I feel as though I’m being pulled in a million directions and have no anchor to keep me solid on my course. It’s no one’s fault but my own… I take things on myself, and I am genuinely excited about each project I take on… each outing I arrange, each moment of life is a gift and I want to cherish it all! But then again, I’m an introvert at heart, I love solitude and having time to recharge my batteries… and it seems to be taking longer and longer to recharge. How to fix this, I’ve no idea. I don’t want to pull back from everyone I love, or miss out on life again, I don’t want to give in to that… but I also don’t want to keep going and end up completely burnt out. So for now I’m walking the line… or straddling it… or weaving in and out of it… That is my current struggle.
On that note…. How about we dip in a little bit to my new adventures. As most of you know… I have unhappily been a temp for about 6 years now. This means 6 years of no sick days, vacation days, benefits, you name it, I don’t have it. With my anxiety condition I crave stability and routine… I’m not a fan of changes, upheaval or starting new jobs. The result of this being that living as a temp is a constant source of stress in my life. I live with it wrapped around me and it never really eases up. I dream of having a full time job somewhere, retiring from said job after X amount of years, building a life for myself somewhere and excelling at my career. So far I have failed miserably at every attempt I’ve made at becoming full time. Oh sure my bosses seem to like me, my co-workers too…. I do my best every day I am at work, and bust my balls to try and help whoever I work for succeed. I will pretty much do anything and everything that is asked of me in order to help my company thrive…. and the result so far has been a giant slap to the face each and every time. Right now is no exception. SO I am starting to look into learning a new field, maybe a new career entirely will be what I need in order to succeed at life. Herzing has a program on Computer programming and web development… This is what I’m looking into right now, and actually I have a hang out session planned for tomorrow AM with my good friend Drew to teach me some coding. I’m jumping in and seeing if I’ll like it long term before I commit to the 12500$ course… Especially since I can barely make ends meet as it is, let alone adding in a student loan on top of that.
Also Christmas is coming up, and it is my favorite holiday for so many reasons…. so leading up to Christmas I have about a million and one plans. As this is the first year I really have any real amount of time off, I am going to attempt crafting and baking all the things I’ve been dying to do for so many years and just never have time for…… Does this mean I think I’ll actually get to them all? Nope. I’m trying not to stress about it…. but I do want to tackle a large portion on my To Do list.
OH this To Do list also includes trying to get the front and back yard ready for winter (which this rain hasn’t been helping me at all), and finish reorganizing the kitchen, and living room, and bedroom, and storage room, and making sense of the entire downstairs of my house… OH and painting and decorating down there so we can actually start USING those rooms… and finding a new car as I’m pretty sure ours won’t last another season.. OH and installing the dishwasher that is coming next Sat… And Umm…. I know there’s more but I can’t remember it right now.
My dance card is pretty full, and to be honest it’s very overwhelming right now. Especially with work asking me all the time to do extra hours on top of my part time hours… which BTW I still don’t like as it takes months to see that money… so every time I work even 1 hour extra, I’m worried I won’t be able to make rent, or fill the car, or buy food….. but our team is getting swamped, and they keep asking, and certain people have no idea what it means to WORK…. so I feel compelled to say yes, if only to help out my team… and with everything else that is going on right now, I really needed to be only working PT hours…… So I’m sorry in advance for all the times I will seem more scatter brained than usual… and I’m sorry if I slip off the radar a bit… you can always FB or text or comment here and I promise I will reply ASAP… I’m honestly doing my best to strike a balance here, and I’m not feeling as though this is a sad dip in my depression…. I’m just, worn out, and overwhelmed, and scared that I can’t pay my bills because work takes months to pay out overtime and yet they treat me poorly if I don’t agree to work the OT…. well my team lead is amazing… but other people do… and I’m just so….. stressed, and anxious, and in need of a vacation, which is insane because technically I only work 2 days a week right now…. but some weeks it’s more… and other weeks i just have so many plans I can’t keep up… and I miss snuggling with my love on the couch and having nothing to do.. I actually miss feeling bored.
OK so this whole blog turned out somewhat ranty and all over the place… but in keeping with my 100% up front and honest policy I’m going to post this anyways. I’d rather you all know how chaotic my mind/life is atm, then put on a plastic smiley face and pretend all is well LOL.
On top of all of this, I still haven’t lost anything since my 10 lb gain around my birthday… which funny enough is when work started to fall apart… so maybe there’s a correlation there I need to look into?
Either way, I’m a little bit of a basket case right now, but I swear I am doing my best in all things AND I have Christmas and all Christmas related activities to keep me excited and happy.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far! 🙂 Ooodles of hugs