Panic and Pictures

Mike and I had our engagement shoot a few weeks back, and though in hindsight I’m learning to see the good, in the moment, it was pure hell. Not because our photographer was bad, she is AMAZING, and not because it was horrible weather, it was a bit nippy, but that meant no sweating so BONUS… Nope, it was all because of me.

We all know Mike works nights, this also means that trying to plan anything during the day is an absolute nightmare, so he came home from work and had come home later than usual.. like a few hours later than usual, so already my schedule was thrown off….. and then he wasn’t able to fall right asleep, so by the time he finally fell asleep he was able to get maybe 3 hours I think of rest before we had to go.

The end result was me off kilter and flustered and in a frantic rush because I felt like we were running behind schedule and I didn’t want to keep anyone waiting.. and Mike, who was grumpy because he was exhausted and wanted more sleep, and so was slow, and did I mention grumpy? So again, my plans of comparing the 6 outfits I had carefully picked out went out the window, and I had to roll with whatever I had on, which while comfy did not match.

My anxiety is at an 11, and I’m pushing him out the door, he’s planting in his heels and being his normal self, which was the exact opposite of what I needed in that moment, so this triggered a fight. It could have ended in less than a second had I not been at the peak of a panic attack already, but no… my brain is a nightmare land, so here come the water works, and the hyperventilating, and the dizzy spells, and the sweating, and I felt like I may have a heart attack any second, or puke.. my skin felt too tight, the necklace I had on felt like it was choking me (which ladies if you were wondering why the necklace I asked you to help me pick out was nowhere to be seen in the pictures… that’s why).

I calmed down enough to leave, but it started again in the car because then I was thinking about the photos, and people seeing my entire body in said photos.. and OMG I’m so fat, and what IS fat, and how did I get so fat, and why do I have to be fat before my wedding.. and why are we getting married, maybe we shouldn’t be married, you deserve someone who isn’t fat. I started crying, bawling, more panic, I’d have stripped off all my clothes if it weren’t for the seat belt… everything felt so restrictive, everything was too tight, too much, too close, I needed space, air, I needed to breathe, couldn’t breathe. I begged him to bring me home, but he wouldn’t. He said we’d come too far and that I’d be fine. I begged, and begged and pleaded, and then began screaming like I’d lost my damned mind.. like incoherent screaming at the roof of the car like David at the Dentist type screaming.. First time in my life, I was full on hysterical. It was then, that my false lashes finally gave way to the flood of tears and came off. At this point half my eyeliner, both my false lashes and most of my mascara was gone. Most of the contouring work I’d done with foundation was also gone.. so was my blush, and lip liner, and lipstick… Who needs makeup at a photo-shoot :S EEK.. As if I hysterical woman could get any worse.. I did. At one point I grabbed the wheel.. Not hard, but I did, I wanted to either crash the car or turn us around. Anything would be better than having my photo taken looking like I did. I couldn’t be seen.. it was humiliating.

And then Mike pulls the car in, right up beside our Photographer. Let me tell you, it was enough to shock my system into calming the eff down, but still crying like a mofo, still no makeup, and I hadn’t been present enough in my brain to bring makeup with me before leaving the house. We brought props, I forgot them in the car. I made a Pinterest board, I forgot most of the poses I wanted to do. That was pure hell leading up to the moment I stepped out of the car.

*Deep Breath*

But guess what, our photographer was AWESOME, she gave me a few minutes to collect myself, Mike sat there while I bawled like a freaking baby.. Eventually I calmed down, after many apologies and stating how embarrassed I was and sorry I was for wasting everyone’s time.. I got out of the car, walked over to Dow’s lake, and did my best.

I ended up being able to relax after the first picture or so, and by the end I was giggling and having fun (Have you SEEN the cannon picture?). I can still tell that I was crying in all of the photos, and it still bothers me, and I don’t know how long it will be before I can look at those photos and not remember the worst panic attack of my life, and replace it with just the memories of the actual photo-shoot which was super fun and full of laughter and loads of ninja kisses whenever Stacy (our Photographer) wasn’t looking… Ok sometimes she was looking but we were super quick. NINJA KISS.

Now you know the whole story of my engagement shoot. I’m hoping that by blogging it out, I can get the bad out of my head and start focusing on the good.. So here is more about the good, because I do not want this blog to be all a sad story about a crazy chick and her meltdown.


So let’s start at the beginning part, Pre-Meltdown. I actually did a hella-good job with my makeup, which is something that I’ve been practicing and watching hours of Youtube vids and trying to get better at, so I was pretty excited at what I accomplished LOL. I wish I’d taken more pics so maybe I could have somehow given my eyes to my photographer and had her photoshop them in, or I could have done so after the fact LOL (joking, but not joking also LOL) I LOOOOVE False lashes… why couldn’t Jeebus give me those things in real life man? ANYHOO.. so I had a lot of fun the night before curling my hair in foam rollers and watching Youtube vids and practicing, and then the next day seeing that my hair was actually holding a curl (granted I think too tight of a curl, but STILL first time in my life I’ve gotten my hair to hold a curl without someone else doing it for me LOL). I had some of my bridesmaids on individual FB chats giving me advice on which shirts to wear, or jewelry etc.. and it was fun to include them and be girlie for a change. Also once Mike was up we found batteries to put into the prop which will remain nameless since it didn’t make it into photos, so will be a surprise at the wedding (it isn’t spectacular or funny or crazy.. it’s just really pretty so I’m keeping it secret), so now we know for sure it works.

Stacey was loads of fun to work with, and it was really easy to loosen up around her and feel like self-conscious about my size and shape. We had a blast, and I think the photos turned out great, especially since I was such a wreck before hand. Everyone who has seen them says you can’t tell.. now maybe everyone is just being nice because they don’t want to hurt my feelings.. but maybe they aren’t LOL. Either way, so far people seem to like the photos, and as much as I personally can see all the telltale “Shannon’s been crying” signs, as long as no one else can, well then, bonus for me! I am def having a few, if not all of these printed.

Also, leave it to Mike and I to find a giant penis shaped “mushroom” wooden sculpture at Dow’s lake.. and then a cannon.. Dow’s lake is a lot more perverted than I thought it was 😉

Anyway, that’s all folks. Engagement is nearly at an end… The wedding is just around the corner. 5 months to go!!! I am doing everything in my power to make it as stress free as possible. No panic attacks, please god no panic attacks on that day.


To see more of the photos from our engagement shoot, and check out our Photographer check out the blog post she put up on her site:

Comments 4

  • Hello,

    I just stumbled upon your blog and read some of the posts. I just wanted to say you look wonderful in the pics, almost like a totally different person you have described in the post! Please don’t take this the wrong way when I say that you are one of those people who look cute no matter how fat you are! I am a complete stranger and I actually think you are very beautiful, so maybe you can tell that to yourself whenever you are having panic attacks related to how you might look to others. Because there are literally thousands of people who haven’t met you, but would find you absolutely beautiful like I do.

  • Oh and congratulations on the engagement and upcoming wedding! You will look great, I am sure. One way to have control of your feelings and maybe panic attacks is to expect the worst case scenarios happening. In my experience if I have way too high expectations and plan too much usually everything that can go wrong does go wrong. But if I am more laid back and just expect the worst, things usually work out pleasantly and I have that surprisingly great feeling.

    • I will definitely keep this in mind 😀 My original plan for the wedding was to be small, low key, and super relaxed… 3 years of planning has seen it balloon into a bit of a chaotic storm, but I’m working on reining myself, and everyone else, in a bit so we can go back to the laid back fun day my fiance and I originally dreamed of 😛

  • Hi Sarah <3 Thank you so much for this comment!!! I'm sorry it's taken so long to reply, I've been MIA for a bit (blog post to follow LOL). It means the world to me what you said <3 Thank you!!!!

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