I recently had phase 1 of an evaluation at the Royal Ottawa. Phase 2 comes in August…. From there, who knows where I’ll end up or what course of treatment my doc will think is best… right now I don’t even know what I have for certain. Here’s what I know:
I know that just saying “I recently had phase 1 of an evaluation at the Royal Ottawa” is about the scariest thing I have ever written… I know that recently.. despite all my best efforts, my binge eating is trying it’s damnedest to come back full strength… and that also scares me… I know that saying those two things makes me feel like I’ve failed every single person who cares about me or has read my blog in passing etc… I know that right now, I feel a bit broken and fragile. Yep.. me, if you’ve seen me lately you’ve seen how happy I am… that wasn’t an act.. I truly am SO happy right now.. having the time off from work has given me a much needed break to step back and breathe, and it was greatly needed… but just because I can still feel joy, doesn’t mean I don’t also still have this anxiety devouring me from the inside out.
As part of my “home work” ( * and by that I mean, a resource sheet I was given to help me find workbooks or self help books or ehelp while I wait for phase 2 of my eval) I took a test to help me pinpoint what I may be diagnosed with… it was a pretty long list tbh lol everything from Binge Eating disorder (which I know about already) to PTSD (Which weirdly I didn’t think would apply to me… but I guess maybe it kinda does)
My brain runs the gambit on maladies and I’m hoping to find a permanent solution… My benefits won’t cover any more counselling this year, so not sure where I’ll go from here…. BUT they did say that there are places that offer free counseling… I just have to wait on a long ass waiting list LOL.. so we’ll see where that goes.
I also know that right now, the thought of going back to work full time terrifies me. I love my job, don’t get me wrong… but it’s not permanent… and it’s not stable… and my nerves can’t take much more of this back and forth and up and down. So I’m torn between two options… 1) Stay on EI as long as I can (which right now my claim only says 19 weeks, but I’m not sure if that was before or after the ROE my work forgot to send……. so I might be SOL come October YAY more stress)… and hope that by October when EI runs out (which it hopefully won’t) I’ll be strong enough to go back full time and not relapse hard core…. 2) look into disability…. granted I can’t AFFORD to take that big of a pay cut… and I don’t think we could pay bills AND drag ourselves out of debt AND pay for a wedding with me on disability.. SOOOO I really need to fix my brain STAT… and option 3) Look for a new job.
Option 3, though most viable… hits pretty much all my triggers and has me feeling light headed as I type this… yes.. just typing that I want to start looking for a new job raises my anxiety and panic to such an extreme that I’m light headed in a few seconds.. in fact I took a break to close my eyes and work on my breathing before continuing to type.
Am I a hard worker? You bet your ass I am
Am I a good employee? Hells yes
But….. who wants to hire someone with a laundry list of things that terrify them, someone who is practically scared of her own shadow… and someone who’s disabilities are triggered by the most random things that often times I don’t even know what will do it until I panic…. No one, that’s who.
Seriously.. I need another break. BRB…..
New people…new building…new schedule…new PC programs…. gah brb…
All in all, in this moment… while the panic is riding me and my hands are shaking and the room has faded nearly to black twice and the world is spinning… I would rather live the rest of my life in a one bedroom apartment on welfare than get a new job..
Thinking through this I know that I want more.. I want a real life, and a real job.. but I need to feel stable… So before I lose my nerve.. or pass out.. I’m going to go onto a job search website and see what options are open right now in both baking and finance fields… I probably won’t apply to anything.. and I probably won’t update my resume… but I’ll look.. and right now that’s all I can promise.
OH! and I also promise to blog again once I’m not riding an 8 on my panic mobile and compose something more… logical and thoughtful and uplifting lol.
P.S – I just re-read my post to try and catch any typos…. and had another mini panic attack just from reading it.. Seriously over this whole anxiety thing… like Eff off already. ARGH. OK I’m off to do as I promised 🙂