So we all know I’m fat… or Phat… either way I am not a tiny person. In the past this blog has primarily been about showcasing my road to “thindome”, but you know what… I don’t think I will ever get there, and that’s OK.
I’ve come to realize that the size of my body should not dictate my happiness. So what I am fat, I’ve lost a lot of weight, and will always continue to do everything in my power to be healthy ? that being the operative word. I have been so focused on getting THIN and you know what… Fuck that shizz man.
So now time to re-train myself, shift my prospective…. I know at this point, some of you are thinking WTF girl keep going get thin….. just keep reading OK?
I don’t want to be thin at the expense of my happiness. I don’t want to miss out on life and love and laughter and amazing experiences because what if I never get thin… what if I stay in this huge body for the rest of me life.
Lately I’ve been focusing on my mental health, looking deep inside and facing the demons, ,and here is what I’ve come up with:
- When I am 100% alone (Granted this is while not looking in a mirror) I am happy with myself. I have stretch marks and wrinkles and fat rolls… but when I’m alone, I’m learning that the voices in my head all those years telling me how horrible and fat and ugly I was, were the abusive voices of a father who didn’t know how to be a human being… the voices of strangers who got off on making someone cry… the voices of people I wouldn’t choose to associate with in my real life, so why give them so much power?
- I have a fiancé who loves me as is , he loved me when I was thinner, he’s loved me as I was bigger, and he loves me now. I found a man who loves me… that is a gift. I won’t waste it.
- I have amazing friends, and they don’t make me feel like shit for my extra padding
- My nieces and nephews love how cuddly I am, how is cuddly a bad thing? It’s not. It’s cuddly.
- I float REALLY well in the water. You’d think I wouldn’t… but I guess fat is a really good flotation device.. I can’t sink.. it’s awesome!
- I don’t want to hate myself anymore. Time to love me AS IS, and work on improving myself every day.
My goal is to always try to make better choices, be gentle with myself, and if in the process I lose weight… SCORE… if I stay exactly as is for the rest of my life… Well then I’ll have to find a more permanent solution to my ankle pain.. but aside from that, I will be OK with that. I have to be OK with that, because it is who I am. It is the body I have, the body my life has brought me too… and yes I will continue to make healthy choices, yes I am constantly working on finding new ways to become active… but it’s for my health.. I would rather live the rest of my life fat and happy, than skinny and miserable.
So that’s my update. Life is pretty great, I’m actually HAPPY, and I plan on staying that way 😉