Rambling before bed

I know, that one day I will be OK. That is actually terrifying to me. Real talk? I have been broken for as long as I can remember, it is a HUGE part of who I am, I’ve built a life around managing my symptoms and finding ways to get by…. So who the hell will I be when Humpty Dumpty’s pieces have been put back together again?

As I write this, I realize it sounds very “first world” and whinny… But it’s a real fear I’ve struggling with. What will I be if I am no longer the fat friend, or the friend who binges, or who blogs about her weight and her anxiety because both are fine… Who will I be when I am no so consumed with all these worries floating around my brain? I’m 30… Surly I should know who I am by now… And while yes I know some things, I also know that a large part of who I am (aside from the fat lol) are my disorders…. They are like… Big squishy security blankets and I am afraid to part with them… What if once I let go, you all see that I’m pretty boring?

I’m not well read, I can’t quote Shakespeare, I am horrible at math and science and basically anything else taught in HS… How I managed to make it through with honors is beyond me, my ability to retain information is pretty much nil. I am not into politics, though I WANT to be… But they make it so dry to follow my brain switches off and melds them all together to the point where I can tell you where I stand on issues… But not which party fits or who to vote for (no I am no proud of that). I am artsy… But don’t enjoy reading about artists or talking about them… I love music, but again, don’t care to talk about or read about them.. I don’t really follow celebrity gossip… I love gaming, but most games make my sick (motion sick), and no one I know plays board games anymore . dungeons and dragons sounds fun to me, but I don’t know anyone who plays and I have no clue how to play lol…

What it all boils down to, is I’m a blob.. I am a jack of all trades, master of non… And I kind of hate that… Because when I am not spending all my time trying to fix my brain or survive another day/minefield, what will be left?

Anyway, I’m just rambling before bed as my brain likes to choose times like now to go into overdrive…

Anyone have tips on how to figure out who the hell you are? LoL

Leave them in the comments down below

*Hug tackles*

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