Random thoughts – from an accidentally unmediated lady

Normally I am very good about taking my pills. I hate that I have to take them.. but times like these really bring into focus that yes.. without pills, I’m a bit of a wreck. Care to have a gander at the type of thoughts that float around someone’s brain when they are depressed and anxious and haven’t been medicating in… ummm…. well I remember taking my pills last week for sure.. i think… ok I’m not entirely certain of when (Don’t hate… everyone is allowed a few moments of stupidity in their lives).

BRB have to pee… this shake diet reduces me to a walking water bladder I swear….. and I’ll be fine for awhile and than BAM run and pee now or pee your pants… fun choice.

Also.. I’ve been holding it at this painful pee level for ummmmmmmm 29 mins… really don’t want to move… but also don’t want to pee myself. Yes that is truly an argument I had with myself… it went something like this.

“You have to pee… get up”

“But I don’t wanna… im miserable.. can’t I just stay here.. the pee feeling will go away I swear”

“No it won’t… get up”

“But…. but maybe it’s just lying to you Shannon.. did you ever think of that? Maybe your bladder isn’t really full, I mean you haven’t had a full liter of water yet… we can wait”

“Shut up, go pee, then you can come back and go back to doing exactly nothing”

“But….. But I have to move my laptop, and it’s heavy… and there’s the board the laptop is on… and I have to MOVE it… that will take effort.. we can wait until 8:45 when I HAVE to get up to wake Mike up right?”

“Fuck off and go pee”

“OK but wait, lemme update FB really quick”

“Fine… but then you must pee”

“Deal….. ok done!”

“Good, go pee”

“But… but wait, lemme start this blog post real quick”

“WTF do you want to pee your pants Shannon?”

“Obvs no… but I’ll be really quick”

Cue me writing out this internal conversation, and now here I sit.. still procrastinating.. No I have not yet gone pee…

OK fine I’m going….. for real this time.

I’m back! Much better.. well my bladder isn’t pissed anymore… heh get it.. pissed.. cause of pee….. ugh nm.

Hi 🙂 Welcome to the unedited version of my brain. Super fun right? Yeah I s’pose not… Also, the downside to having full length closet door mirrors… is that when feeling rather depressed and in a funk, there is not really escaping how horrible you look in the mirror. Currently, I’m pale, bloated (which leads me to believe I may also be PMS’ing on top of having forgotten my meds.. you’re welcome world :S… I’m just going to hide in my house until I’m stable again lol)… I look old, and plain, and really crappy right now.

Being that I still have a logical side of my brain, I realize that the pale / tired / old look is simply because I haven’t been sleeping well lately…….. but right now, it’s not helping my case.

It is taking every ounce of strength I have, not to cheat on this damned diet right now… I mean really… If you are in the midst of a funk, what better way to pop out of it than to make a plate of nachos or order a pizza? But instead.. I’m blogging this nonsense in order to keep my hands busy and myself out of the kitchen.

I’m avoiding talking to most people tonight.. I haven’t really msg’d anyone… I don’t like bringing other people down… especially when I know there is no valid reason to be this upset. I have a lot going for me. My fiance loves me to bits and pieces, I have a great car, I have friends and family that I adore… all super big pluses…. but right now, none of it is cutting through this fog that’s weighing me down.

All I want, is to curl up into a ball and sleep…. of course I can’t yet because my fiance is asleep in our bedroom and I don’t want to wake him early with my climbing into bed… A) he’s a crazy light sleeper and B) don’t lie.. you’d be pissed if someone woke you up 1 hr before your alarm was supposed to go off…. Also I’m not tired.. well not tired enough to sleep. I’m just kind of…. here.

I feel like I should be doing something. There are lots of things to clean / organize / sort through in my house.. I have wedding plans I could be forming…. but really… right now.. if it isn’t covered in cheese, I don’t care.

And nothing is covered in cheese.

I’m really rather grumpy right now… and I do apologize to anyone who may have to put up with me until my meds re-stabalize me. I mean, it’s not like I’m insane or anything… I’m just… blah. In a funk… ya know what I mean? It’s not like I’m having outbursts or am violent… all my crazy get’s internalized I promise LOL. I’m just… unable to feel happy right now… well not how I normally feel it.. I’m used to my normal self, you know.. the crazy quirky lady that finds joy in the smallest things… right now, I just…….. don’t.

And on that fun note, I’m going to hit send… Though I may not actually say on fb.. HEY FOLKS NEW BLOG POST.. No need to drag the general populous down with me.

Sorry for the random thoughts and dreary post.. I guess I can’t always be sunshine and rainbows.

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