So… tonight was a hard night for me food wise…. namely because I wanted to eat ALL THE THINGS, and my brain said slow your roll girl you can’t eat EVERYTHING, that is crazy… meanwhile my stomach said SHUT UUUUUUP….
I managed to avoid bingeing.. but I did overeat… is that the same thing? Err… grey area? Did I eat too much? Yeah probably, it was a big portion.. but I ended up making it my lunch and supper.. which granted isn’t what I’m supposed to be doing.. but UGH I was so full…. BUT did I sit there mindlessly eating until I was going to burst because I couldn’t stop myself and had this ridiculously strong compulsion to eat myself crazy? Nope.. I was just super hungry… so tonight I think was less about a binge, and more because I went too long between breakfast and lunch… I think.
ANYWAY, it got me to thinking… I mean yeah, I’m on a waiting list to get help and all… but I don’t want to just sit here gaining weight, watching myself spiral out of control while I plaster on a happy face and pretend everything is OK. I am a tough cookie for fuck sake, I want to grab this bull by the horns and tell it to fuck right off.
Errrr. pardon my french.
With that all said, I started to think of ideas on what to do..
- Should I find a diet? Hells no, they may work in the short term but I’d be right back in the same boat, if not worse off for having denied myself for however long the diet lasted
- Should I go back on Optifast? Honestly I don’t think it’s an option for me right now, especially not after 2 failed attempts … A) I don’t think the doc will let me and B) I don’t think I should use Optifast and complete food avoidance as a way to deal with my eating disorder
- Juice cleanse? Some people like them, but I don’t. Too much like a fad diet, not sustainable, and way too easy to put your life at risk by not getting the proper nutrients and/or calories to thrive… Also if I’m going to go liquid diet, I’m going Optifast… I miss my milkshakes man
- Weight watchers.. I’ve done it before with some success (by some I mean I think I lost 5 lbs)… But I think this may be my best bet right now… Read on to hear my side, and please comment down below with yours. I’d love to hear your ideas!! I’m all ears!
So why weight watchers? Well the obvious reason, they don’t believe in depriving yourself of food, if it fits in the magical point system it works.. I like this because I have a big issue with people telling me that I can not eat something because it will make me fat… HELLO?!?!?! I don’t care if I’m plump or curvy or whatever, I just want to be healthy… I love food too much to say goodbye to a million things because OMG I may gain a pound.. Seriously, if you stop loving me because I’m fat, than you suck.. and that isn’t a reflection on me, it makes you a dick.
The not so obvious (or OK maybe it was only not so obvious to me until today) is that it gives me a platform to track my food, while giving me feedback on said food choices in a non-judgmental way… Every food type has a points value, certain foods if I eat too much I’ll go over my points, certain foods have zero points and I can go to town on them (well obviously within reason… but you know what I mean).. and yes yes there is Fitness pal… honestly, I’ve used it off and on for a few years and I just really don’t like it. Some people think it is the best thing since sliced bread, and kudos to them! For whatever reason I never really got “into” it…
I’m planning on doing the online version of weightwatchers, I feel I have a good enough support system with all of you amazing people (In RL and Online) that I don’t need to sit in a group… especially if in however many months I end up in a group for my eating disorder.. I can only handle so many groups y’all LOL.. but yeah, I think with your help I can do this… Online version is cheaper, it has all the tools I need to track / find meals / talk in the forum for help etc….
My only wonder is……. Will it work? Is the cost (22$/month) worth what I gain access to… will I be able to carry the momentum forward and use that to launch myself away from this weight gain and back into weight loss?
I’m not certain.. so before I make up my mind, I’m putting it to the universe… what do you think?
Questions / comments / suggestions in the comment section below please! I’d love to hear from each and every one of you <3