So if you know me in real life… or have me on facebook… You’ve noticed the erm…. hunger filled status updates lately. Actually lately I’ve tried to stop whining about it, but still … the hunger!
It’s been torture, nothing at all like last time, and other than starting just after a cold I couldn’t think of any other reason that might have caused this constant hunger. It hasn’t been a normal hunger, that I can deal with… it’s been energy sucking, life draining, can barely get out of bed hunger..
Being that I am a person who can never turn their brain off and I over-think EVERYTHING.. this has been a constant worry. So I’ve come up with an action plan. Let’s call this a test… a test of a theory. If it works, GREAT, if it doesn’t, I’ll just go back to the status quo.
So here I go. *Deep Breath* I’m going to EAT again. <Gasp> *cries* Shock… I know… but I’m not just going to eat willy nilly. I’m going to follow the 1500 calorie a day diet that the hospital gave us for pre/post shakes and see how that goes. While on it last time I DID lose somewhere between 3-5 lbs while on it, so I’m going to try it again and see how it goes. I think my body was too weak from the cold to go straight to shakes, and probably that is why I still feel weak 3 weeks later (Yep, Monday would be the start of week 4 of shakes). My health is more important to me than losing the weight quickly.. so NO I’m not “giving up”, and I’m not going back to how I was.
But I AM going to give my body a break from shakes and let it rebuild it’s strength, and who knows, maybe this time will be the time I can do food right and continue to lose weight at a more normal, less risky, rate.
Also, while talking this over with Mike, we discovered another reason I may not be finding the shakes so easy this time around. Last time, I truly hated myself.. I felt sorry for everyone in the world for having to see me on a regular basis, and wanted to hide my body away from humanity because I felt grotesque.
This time? Yeah I’m still fat.. but I know I am working on it. I have more confidence in my ability to lose weight, I’m not in constant pain, and most days I actually feel pretty! (Shocker). I like my curves, I like having massive boob pillows for my nieces and nephew to sleep on (or Mike), I like being comfy to hug and snuggle with… I am learning to love myself, and as much as I will continue to love the smaller versions of myself as I lose the weight… I no longer feel the obsessive compulsion to lose all the weight ASAP and have urges to just take a knife to the blubber and cut it out already.
I’ve come a long way, and I think this is a really positive moment for me. For now I will still do part shakes, part food, to ease myself back into food.. and follow the plan the hospital has given me… and I’m going to be really organized about food, because I think I need that in order to stay on track. But I’m also not going to punish my body for being too weak right now to stay on shakes. Doesn’t mean I won’t do another full round one day, maybe sooner rather than later, we’ll see how this food thing goes. But right now I’m feeling very confident in this choice, and pretty positive about how things are going. I’m going to try loosing weight the old fashioned way. You won’t see as many weekly OMG I LOST 10 LBS updates from me, because frankly it will be a slower process…. but I will update, and I will track, and journal, and do everything the hospital taught me… I can do this.
Also… OMG FOOD!!!!!!!
Wish me luck!