It doesn’t listen when you say Enough is Enough.
I’ve been trying very hard not to turn this blog into a whine fest. I don’t want to be “that” person. In all honesty right now my life is pretty great. I mean yes money sucks and I hate my body and the way I look, sound, act etc. Mostly I just don’t like myself very much.. but when I stop to think about it I’m pretty blessed. This is why depression is so annoying. Logically I know I am blessed. I have so many great people in my life, and I’m on the right path to success.
Still it has been hard for me to post lately, because all the things I wanted to write about would have been negative. I’m trying to focus on turning negative thoughts to those which are positive right now, and I was afraid to post and have this blog become a downward spiral into sob stories and poor me’s. Blah That isn’t who I want to be. That isn’t who I am.
Depression truly is an illness. I feel at war with my own brain. I can look at myself, tell myself I am insane for thinking/feeling something…. but that doesn’t change the way I think/feel. Sometimes I wonder which part of my brain is telling the truth. Oy.
I have moments of clarity where the weight of sadness does not drag me down. I have days where I feel like I am king of the world and I can see that yes I have really nice eyes or lips, or that my face is pretty, or that even though I am “Obese” I carry my weight better than some would.. Then I have other days where all I see are the flaws.. Which are too many to name. I see the stretch marks, and the fat cells, and the wiggly belly, and the messed up way my legs look. My legs are the worst part of my body hands down. And some days I cannot see passed that for the life of me. Some days I just wish my whole body below my boobs did not exist and that I could lock it up in a box so no one would see how horribly grotesque I actually am. This is a daily struggle for me. This is my reality… And on the very bad days, this is when I wonder why I bother trying at all. I’m already gross why try to make myself less gross looking, what good would it do?
Those are dark days. Days when the only thing that keeps me from devouring all the things, is reading back comments on this blog or hanging out with friends and doing everything i can to just not be alone with myself. I can push aside the darkness when I am surrounded by the light of love that all of my friends brings. I can be more than myself, I can borrow their strength and be a better person. I can be free from the chains that threaten daily to drag me down passed the point of no return.
Yep I’m still broken. But I really am trying. I promise you this. I am doing my best to figure out a way out of this darkness. Every day I try to make good choices. I figure a lot of little good choices will eventually lead to a wonderful end result. I keep getting over whelmed. I’m just fighting not to relapse.
I guess this post isn’t so positive and happy fun times :S for that I am sorry.
I would like to say though that I haven’t gained any more weight, and I have continued to resist the urge to binge. I’d also like to thank my most amazing friends and family for being such a pillar of awesomness. I love you all more than I can properly express. One of these days I won’t be broken anymore, and it will be in big part thanks to YOU! <3 Love, Always...