My letter came! I do believe this feeling I have is equivalent to receiving your letter delivered by owl to attend Hogwarts.
And yes I began this blog post with a Harry Potter reference.
I know this is something I’ve been waiting for… And I knew it was coming, hell I even knew they said I’d be starting in the spring…… Yet even with all that knowledge I think I’m in shock. It doesn’t feel real yet. I feel excitement, but it is almost as if I’m experiencing it from the outside… It doesn’t feel like my emotion yet. Does that make sense?
Maybe I’m just not used to feeling pure elation often, so my body isn’t sure how to process so much happy.
Either way, the only word I can come up with that even comes close to doing this feeling justice is elation.
Very soon, I will begin the next step on my journey to a happier healthier me… Very soon I am going to lose a part of the bulk that is my current prison. Very freaking soon I will start to see the old me peeking through…. Traces of the body I once had, and plan on having again!
I know I will never be “skinny”… Hell I don’t even WANT to be “skinny”. I love my curves, I love boobs and hips and cleavage and a booty… But I DO want to be smaller, and healthy, have a flat belly again, I don’t care if I ever have a six pack, but the pendulous belly is SO on it’s way out.
Right now… My body makes me sick. I am repulsed by my own self, I think from the boobs up, I clean up OK. I have pretty face, I like my eyes, I’ve got cleavage for days, and my mouth is in the shape of a heart. I like individual parts of myself … But from the boobs down, there is not a single part of myself that doesn’t make me want to curl up into a ball and hide myself from the world. I feel bad you have to see me. I truly do. If I could, I’d never leave the house… If it wasn’t for my love, I probably wouldn’t.
But soon that will start to change! I know miracles don’t happen, and it will be a boat load of work on my part, and this road I’m traveling on has only just begun….. But HOLY Crap!! On April 22nd I’ll be taking that first REAL step!
This blog is not always sunshine and lollipops, my life rarely is these days.. And though I try my level best not to be a constant source of negativity drowning everyone around me, I know some days I simply don’t succeed. My depression, my anxiety, my suit case full of issues, can be a lot… Some days I just don’t feel like trying to be happy…. I’ve made SOOOOOO many mistakes in my life, I regret so much! I wish I could take back a thousand and one things, or get amnesia so I’d at least forget.
But right now…. In this moment… I feel happy. Sure it doesn’t feel real, and I’ll pinch myself once I post this. But I’m telling you… I feel So happy right now. The Ottawa Hospital has given me a hope I thought I lost years ago. My eating disorder, my depression, all of that a long/slow and incredibly debilitating form of suicide. But thanks to this program… I have a chance to redeem myself!
Do you even understand the mind blowing insanity of this? Until I was accepted into this program… I had pretty much accepted that I was going to die. Not today… But soon. And my thought process was, well at least I’ll die with pizza in my mouth…. Now? I see a future for me that doesn’t include death… I see growing old with the man I love, I see retirement and a happy ending… I see HOPE.
I am so happy