OK so I will be straight up with you… I’m waiting for the bottom to drop out. I really am. So far I don’t see it. I mean I’m working 12 hour days, I’m sore ALL the damned time, and I’m working my Anus off….. And I’m loving every moment of it. I guess the bottom will come when my contract ends. It’s not for a while, and I’ll be coming back in the new year, but still the end will eventually come. Will I luck out and make it into a pool where I can somehow find my way in, and then have my boss transfer me back into my exact position at some point in the future… I’m not holding my breath… So as it stands, I think that’s when the bottom will drop out.
Until then though, I am so in love with my job it’s not even funny. I eat lunch under the palm trees, I enjoy my co-workers company, I don’t even notice the time passing usually. How many people can say that. Seriously I’m afraid to like it this much, cause I know soon I’ll find something that will suck, and then my brain will zero in on it and ruin this happy bubble I currently live in.. but Oh My God, imagine if I don’t find something to obsess over? Imagine if for once in my life I actually stay HAPPY… I am currently not medicated, I haven’t taken my anti-depressants in 3 weeks now (i think…. ) I haven’t needed to take my acid reflux medicine as much, I don’t have near as many panic attacks, and I haven’t found any new grey hairs (though to tell you the truth, I don’t mind the grey LOL… it helps me not look like a kid)
I can’t remember a time when so many things in my life were going right. I really can’t. I’ve tried… I spent my lunch hour today composing this blog post in my head, and tried so hard to look back and find a time when I felt bliss… It wasn’t there. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever been this happy. Funny how one change can sometimes fix so many things.
I’ve continued to cut poison people out of my life, which unfortunately recently I’ve cut my brother from my life, I have spent too much of my life trying to make his life better, trying to fix all the shit that my sperm donor father did to him, that LIFE did to him… I kept thinking if I just help him passed this one last hurdle he’ll finally “get back on his feet” and be the good person I thought he was…. I’ve WASTED my entire life looking out for him, and I regret it all. He never wanted my help, he never wanted anyone’s help… He should never have gotten all the help he did. All we’ve done is enable him and help build him into a person incapable of knowing the value of a hard day’s work, of turning him into someone who thinks it’s OK to take others money without repayment. By “helping” him financially, myself, and everyone else who has, has taught him that charisma is all you need to get by in life, and it doesn’t matter who you drag down along the way. I’m sad to say that is the person he has grown into. He values dreams that never come to fruition because he is incapable of WORKING towards his goals, he is a person who see’s the prize at the end of the tunnel and will take as many short cuts as necessary to try and attain it as soon as possible, no matter who’s financial life he’s put at risk along the way. He is a person who lives in the clouds, and is flighty, and has used his illness to get his way, all while refusing treatment, and turning to drugs. He is the poster child for “Instant gratification”.
He’s moved away again, I know it’s for the best. There’s only so many bridges you can burn before there’s no way back. Perhaps he needed to get away to allow some bridges to mend. Though I’m not sure how, if ever, he can mend the bridge back to me. I’ve seen too much pain caused by his carelessness, by his inability to learn, and by his “charisma” that wheedles his way into everyone’s hearts…. until they find their wallets empty and their hearts broken.
Anyway, all that to say… I’ve cut some bad people out of my life (not just him.. but I think he’s the biggest, when I learned to let go of the pain I felt in regards to him… which admittedly I’m still working through, I felt a sense of freedom and happiness I don’t ever remember feeling.) One day maybe I’ll think of myself as “cured” of depression… For now I’m just walking around in love with life, in love with my soul mate, and in love with who I am… for the first time.
Here’s to hoping you find what makes you happy too!